Hillary Clinton: is she really 'the Hildebeest' to Michelle Obama?

Name: Hildebeest.

Age: 66.

Appearance: Coiffed, formidable.

The horns are formidable, I'll grant you that. But I've never seen one looking coiffed. Covered in flies? Yes. Getting eaten by a lioness? Absolutely. Being blow-dried? Not even close. You're thinking of wildebeest. I'm talking about the Hildebeest.

An upland-dwelling subspecies? No. A former US senator and secretary of state, and a leading contender for the presidency in 2016.

I knew US voters could be a bit eccentric, but I didn't realise they had begun electing ungulates. You misunderstand. The Hildebeest is a nickname for Hillary Clinton.

How horrid! There's such misogyny about first ladies. Who calls Hillary that? Michelle Obama. Allegedly. In a new book called Blood Feud, the political journalist Edward Klein says Michelle and her friend Valerie Jarrett love bitching about "the Hildebeest". Indeed, he says that the Clintons and the Obamas hate each other.

But they're the two great Democrat couples – four powerful people with similar interests. How could they possibly fall out? You've answered your own question there. Barack and Hillary were rivals for the Democratic nomination in 2008, during which Klein says the Clinton camp felt unfairly portrayed as racist by the Obamas.

Hey, we're all alleged racists, deep down. Klein claims this is very personal. "I hate that man Obama more than any man I've ever met, more than any man who ever lived," Bill is supposed to have said.

But he endorsed him for reelection in 2012! As part of an alleged deal in which the Obamas are meant to support Hillary's run in 2016. They have to pretend to be friends, and it's dead awkward. During a round of golf, Bill apparently bragged about how much better the economy did in his eight years.

Ooh. When presidents bitch! Barack retorted that Michelle might make a good president one day.

Backatcha! "Bill was speechless," says "a Clinton family friend". "If he hadn't been on a mission to strike a deal with Barack, he might have stormed off the golf course then and there." They tried to patch things up at a dinner party in March 2013, but Barack played ostentatiously on his BlackBerry when Bill was talking.

Probably just counting his retweets. No doubt.

Do say: "Ooh, look at me, I'm Barack Obama and I use Twitter and stuff!"

Don't say: "I'm, like, Hillary with two Ls, and I'm desperate to be president even though I'm really annoying!"