For Johnny Depp, playing mad hatters, maladjusted chocolatiers and all manner of beautiful misfits represents just another day at the office. As he returns - finally - to form in Black Mass, we examine what happens when he makes a really odd choice...
Jack in Private Resort (1985)
"Here's Johnny" madness rating ★★★★★
What's odd here is not the film itself, a terrible sub-Porky's swimsuit flick with sexual politics Silvio Berlusconi might balk at, but young Johnny's presence in it. Barely 21 (but still old enough to know better) Depp plays a priapic poser who, along with best mate Rob Morrow tries to shag everything that isn't nailed down in a Florida beach resort.
This involves - but is not limited to - pretending to be a doctor, breaking into a clearly middle-aged woman's rooms and stripping naked, and naturally (given the era) aerobics. Cue cheesy lines ("With all these good looks in common, we should get together..."), fat-girl jokes, golf balls in the nads, and all kinds of sex-pesty merriment.
It's not Depp's fault, he probably needed the cash, but the result is the sort of film that makes you want to apologise to God. The nadir comes when a disturbingly horny child, who's spent most of the movie trying to steal bikini tops with fishing rods, leers at the camera and says, "Boy, I'd pay to see this." Please, please don't.
Related viewing: None. No other Depp film occupies an even remotely similar universe.
Gene Watson in Nick Of Time (1995)
"Here's Johnny" madness rating ★★
This intriguing but flawed thriller offers the rare spectacle of Depp as the straight man. Yet Nick Of Time's trump card isn't its cast (nice Depp vs nasty Christopher Walken) but its concept: an assassination attempt that takes place in 90-ish minutes of real time.
Sadly it squanders both. Depp, whose mild-mannered accountant is forced to shoot a politician to save his kidnapped daughter, has made an entire career out of playing extraordinary people trying to fit in - even Donnie Brasco, one of his more conventional roles, portrays him as more comfortable in deep cover than real life – and he fails to convince as an average Joe.
Plus, the "real time" aspect is repeatedly fluffed, so you're left wondering who the hell would think up such a convoluted plot and, crucially, how much more fun it might have been to see Walken playing the fall guy and Depp the baddie. This is one occasion where we'd actually be glad to see a remake - perhaps with Liam Neeson in the lead? No need to thank us, Hollywood.
Related viewing: Donnie Brasco (1997), in which Depp plays a conflicted Fed.
Raphael (and director and co-writer) in The Brave (1997)
"Here's Johnny" madness rating ★★★★
"I should be committed to an institution immediately for even thinking I could get away with that," said Depp of his adaptation of Gregory McDonald's 1991 novel. He was talking about taking on the perilously Brannagh-tastic role of writer-director-star for this misery porn misstep, and he certainly didn't make things easy on himself.
The plot concerns a destitute Native American (Depp) who's offered a starring role in a snuff film for $50,000 to feed his family. Not exactly box office dynamite, but it wouldn't be a bad start to a thriller (and is pretty much the entire plot of a recent Euro nasty).
Unfortunately Depp's phasers are set to "pretentious", and moody chin-stroking is the order of the day, not least when Raphael fashions a fairground out of junk as a parting gift. It takes some stones to go this dark, but there's a fine line between brave and fool-hardy, as Depp discovered when the film was treated less kindly then its protagonist, and made comparable profits.
Related viewing: The Man Who Cried (2000), in which Depp plays a sexy Romani horseman.
Customer In Suit Store in The Fast Show (2000)
"Here's Johnny" madness rating ★★★
Depp's rampant Anglophilia can be seen in everything from his guest spot on Oasis's 1997 track 'Fade In-Out' to his repeated attempts at a cockney accent (in From Hell, among others). So perhaps it's no surprise he considers this pinch-yourself cameo in one of Britain's best-loved sketch shows "one of my proudest achievements".
Watched now in a YouTube blur in a YouTube blur it still beggars belief. Dressed in a Stetson, trying not to laugh and approximately 86% too handsome for UK TV, Depp interrupts horny tailor Ken (Paul Whitehouse) as he cups "an imaginary pair of breasts". From here things only get stranger, as Ken and Kenneth (Mark Williams) quiz the mumbling matinee idol on his "humping" habits, before he reveals himself to be very much in on the joke
Depp was so enamoured he tried to insert Fast Show catchphrases such as "I'll get me coat" into the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise (check out the deleted scenes), which practically makes him eligible for a passport.
Related viewing: The Vicar Of Dibley Red Nose Day Special (1999), in which Depp plays himself.
Guy Lapointe in Tusk (2014)
"Here's Johnny" madness rating: ★★★★
It's a rare film that represents a career nadir for all involved. Especially when those involved include former child star Hayley Joel Osment, who disappeared off the map for some 15 years post Sixth Sense (1999). But so it is with Kevin Smith's excruciating horror-comedy, about a shock-jock (Justin Long) kidnapped by a fruit loop (Michael Parks) intent on turning him into (spoilers!) a sex walrus.
What might have passed muster as a crazy short is, instead, stomped out to feature length. And just when things couldn't get any worse, who should turn up as a bumbling French Canadian detective? No prizes. Possessed of an accent that would shame Mike Myers, plus comedy facial hair, fake cheeks and - yep - a beret, Depp fully commits himself, as ever, to the role.
Unfortunately that role is both desperately unfunny ("He is so close I can almost smell his shit – pardon my French!") and deeply unnecessary, slowing the film to a crawl when it should be speeding to a merciful end. Frankly, when even Osment's sassing you ("Er, maybe we should be talking to someone else...", it's time for a change.
Related viewing: Mortdecai (2015), in which Depp plays an – ahem – international man of mystery.
